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Atheist Angel

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addendum [Mar. 10th, 2011|04:23 pm]
Atheist Angel
Squirty cream.


Squirty cream.

See my below post? read thru the shit that girl listed that made her smile.. . .


WTF IS SQUIRTY CREAM?



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Sup killa [Mar. 10th, 2011|04:13 pm]
Atheist Angel

Girls. Smiling. Laughing. Photography. Dancing. Individuality. Unusualness. Sunshine. Hugs&Kisses. Dark chocolate. Candle lit bubble baths. Food. Chocolate honeycomb. The seaside. London. Bud. Bright hair. Alice in wonderland. Piercings&Tattoos. Curly hair. Pictures. Clothes. Squirty cream. Scented things. Rain. Peppermint tea&Honey. Sushi. Home. Big bed covers, pillows, and blankets. Lazy/Snuggle days. That feeling you get when you find out the person you like, likes you back. Music. Freedom. Fluffy socks. Cats. Michael Jackson. Ellie Goulding. GaGa. Rihanna. The L word. Tropical juice. Speed walking with headphones in. Festivals. Camping. Suicide girls. Pete doherty. Meeting new people. Memories. Pina Colada.
Theres even more...

 

Listen, some random ass girl on Tumblr wrote this shit.  Alrite- first and foremost two things happened.  I accidentally went and clicked on this very same page yesterday. And the above words pissed me off. And then I saw it today and then I went ooooooooooh now I fuckin get it.

 

See kids. . . Yea sure theres always a reason to smile.  And as lame as some of the above reasons are and ones I also tend not to agree with. . uhm..i realized these are all things that This Girl likes.  These things make her smile.

And you know why?

Cuz they are completely devoid of somebody else’s influence.

No matter what the fuck happens this bitch still likes this stuff. cuz they are her unique interests. not her and somebody elses. these things help to form her identity.
which is a foreign concept to my clusterfuck of a brain.

i really just wanted to say clusterfuck.
 

You gota make yourself smile yunno?

I know that sounds like it needs to be stitched on a pillow somewhere but I think ive found some truth in it.

I will always fully embrace every feeling I have as though it were my last emotion on earth.  It might make for some drama but I gota tell you in those moments, I am those feelings to the fullest.  After the waves calm a little and I can ride out the storm with a little bit more accuracy, I go..oh…oh yea I got this.

Maybe this moment of clarity will be just that.

A small eye in the storm, if you will.

But in the land of the blind the man with one eye is king.

Cheers.

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raar. just...raar. [Mar. 6th, 2011|04:11 pm]
Atheist Angel
[mood |sicksick]

Im sick.
im achey.
my throat hurts (at least its starting to feel better)
im sweating this fucking fever out as we speak.
i still have to go to work later.
my parents have people over and they are loud thus preventing me from sleeping.
i am frustrated.

i am most definitely bitching right now.

i am tired. i am cranky.
i want rubs and love and hugs and juice.

god damnit.

its one of those things where i just wana cry because i dont feel good and i just wana be taken care of for once.  instead of the other way around. its always the other way around.

i told you, im bitching.  if youve made it this far, congratulations and my apologies.

stupid immune system.


no idea where this sickness came from, im guessing its partial exhaustion from all the bike riding, part lowered immune system due to fatigue that comes with fluctuating hormones and the flu thing that my biffles brought home.

alrite...im done whining now.

back to bed. complete with the incredible hulk and orange juice.

. . . i bought the juice myself if youre wondering.  and no, its not the same.
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tiiiiiiiiime is on my side....yes it is. [Mar. 2nd, 2011|02:02 pm]
Atheist Angel
[mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]

Patience is a Virtue.
Good things come to those who wait.
Love is patient.
Wait your turn.


These are all examples of sayings and beliefs in our society. . .teachings of patience.  Phrases that are meant to educate the society on the Art of waiting.

I was thinking about this in the shower....dont ask me why.  Im sober too. so stfu.

anyway-

the act of waiting.  while it seems like youre doing nothing...waiting itself is an activity.
yet i feel like its a lost art form.  the art of learning to be patient. to be alone. to amuse oneself.

sometimes...you need to be bored. its ok to be as such. its ok to be lost in the inner monologue of your head.

"but ang...my inner monologue is horrible, my head tells me terrible things"

trust me, i know the feeling.  but. . . you have to learn to deal with it.  your brain only shuts off a few hours AFTER your dead. soooooooo yea. youre not guna ever turn it off.  numb it all you want...its not going away.

i duno...its like in our instant gratification needing, over stimulated world...there are very few places and instances of stillness.

do you realize as a society have collectively accepted that in order to be "at peace" and to "get quiet" we have to go somewhere else? save up money, pay for some random vacation, just to sit somewhere quiet? and 9 times out of 10 lately no one has the fuckin money to do that anyway.. . . .so we feel like we never achieve it?
i do that at home. every single day.  I am not at work.  I am not hustling and bustling and contributing to the economy right now.  I am not being a consumer. I am sitting here typing out that very inner monologue i was talking about.

Im not afraid to do things by myself.  I used to be when i was younger...til i was like hey fuck this.  I want to go do something, ima go do it.  sometimes i rather go alone anyway.. . none of that needing to entertain somebody else.  the best people sometimes are the ones you can sit in silence with. Comfortably.

there is so much room to move in silence.
my place where words like waves come crashing in.
uninhibited. unadulterated. unperverted. clean. fresh. A new born thought.
Birthed. Gives rise to an army of thoughts like new born children. Connected. Woven.
No child left behind.

Each thought. Like family, together.
Searching. Seeking. Swimming. a body moving together as one. One thought.
one mind. one soul one love one chance one first.
and one last.



- - - anyway- - -

no one waits anymore.

I used to yell at customers at volumes slightly louder than under my breath when they got huffy and puffy about being made to wait minutes for things like coffee and food or being made to wait in line for more than 60 seconds.. . . .

I watched a grown man throw a tamper tantrum because he didnt have sufficient amounts of chocolate syrup in his smoothie last week while speaking and behaving in a manner that was extremely condescending.  In the middle of lunch rush. And when his order wasnt being attended to IMMEDIATELY.. . . oh he stood with this angry posture staring daggers down into kids that just turned 18 and were learning deli for the first time. 

Over Chocolate fucking syrup.

So one could often find me muttering angrily. . hey do you have kids? you ever been around children? ever go to kindergarten in your life?  you ever yell at them that they HAVE TO WAIT THEIR TURN?  did that rule stop applying because you wear a business suit now?  Oh im sorry, did that whole stop being selfish and share your toys with your brothers and classmates stop being effective because you have someplace to fucking be?  cuz, "youre important now?" you shoulda left earlier or not come in the store at all.  but, you pushed your luck on time by factoring in jjuuuuuuuuuuuuustenough minutes to grab a cup of coffee.  Sorry sleeping beauty but other people DID THE EXACT SAME THING AT THE EXACT SAME TIME. . . did you not think we were guna be busy?

honestly. . . what the fuck have we come to as a society?

no one can tolerate boredom. very few people understand. . . truly Understand. . .the concept of patience. of waiting.
we love instant gratification.  we Need instant gratification.  listen, i hate excessive slowness like everyone else in the fast food nation. . .but jeezus christ, if someone takes an extra 30 seconds doing something because they are afraid to fuck up . .. let it go!


we've wired our own dopamine systems into text messages.  .. . . getting a small fix of some variety every single time a new messages appears on screen.  Hey, i cant lie. .  i check my phone with the fervor of an obsessive compulsive too.


i duno man .  . .its just....there are places in the world where the concept of time doesnt even exist.  That later and eventually are indefinite measures by which people live their lives.  and in the process...they do in fact live their lives.  imagine if you actually Did have all the time in the world.  deadlines did not exist.  now im not saying go and take shit for granted, like people and lovers...no no no...dont act like you have all the time in the world when its comes to that....but im just saying that need to be occupied. that need to do something. be somewhere. finish this. hand this in. always playing beat the clock. beat the clock.

what the fuck about my internal clock?  seems no one gives a flying fuck about what that one says.  just the one invented by man.
(no im not talking about having a baby relax and focus kids)

i think i read this somewhere. .. but...try being in a group of people where no ones phone is present....and thus you are actually completely present in the situation.  not in some outside place with other things on your mind.  stopping and actually focusing all of your attention on whatever or whoever is in front of you.  not thinking about a text you sent and waiting for a response.

do you understand that so much as waiting for a response via text can be fucking excruciating? 
yea....i check the times on my messages and im like..hey...its been 13 minutes, you totally shoulda answered by now.  i know you have your phone on you at all times. everyone does. so you better have a good fucking reason not to be answering right now.
i doubt im the only one who ever thought that.

i cant even reasonably wait for a message.
Ive always been impatient. . .its an aries thing.  but yunno...this is pretty ridiculous.

im not saying go out and practice yoga or guided meditation, hey go for it if you want. . .

but go ahead and try being bored.

yuno those days where you have no where to be and nothing to do?
instead of clamoring for someone to hang out with and plans to make like a horde of zombies rushing towards living flesh.....how bout you dont do fucking anything.  not for too long cuz then youll go stir crazy, which is normal .. . we ARE social creatures after all...but the social networking thing man. . .its gone pretty far.
and its not all bad. i must admit

i was also thinking...i like tumblr.  a lot. . . and not because of how many followers i have or some stupid shit. . but like....its mostly a collective of young people....and a lot of them are using the power of tumblr to project ideas of art, love, beauty, opinions on stuff like art, fashion, politics, religion, bigotry, body image....

its interesting to watch the things people post. . .teenagers, girls, guys...all with messages promoting acceptance and tolerance.
i saw this one thing today...people re blogging a post...not necessarily bashing, but seeking to get up in the face of and inform in a peaceful protester type manner....a teenage girl who in spite of her being young blond and pretty. . .Actually, physically wrote in her about me section "do not follow me if you are fat, ugly, mexican or a gay. They're all disgusting"  i may not be verbatim but yea....and the responder wrote this strongly worded piece citing that it was sad that this young, pretty girl was simply following in the steps of older generations and was a bigot. this person ended the post with the words, " i love you <3"

I liked that.  and i liked even more that people reblogged it.   that the notion of going out and protesting hasnt neccessarily died in the youth of america, it has simply taken on another form.  because certain things spread like wildfire on that thing. its incredible to watch.

im tired of killing time waiting for something else to happen.
the notion of killing time sounds like killing off moments of my life in the hopes that the next one will be better. .. . well wtf about the one i just had? I coulda totally done something with that.  but i didnt. . . i kept looking forward into the unknown when what was right in front of me withered away unused.

stupid. stupid. stupid.

Im an american. raised as such. taught as such. 
to embrace yourself as human and not the society by which you were raised is difficult. 
but its worth a shot.

this is your life. and its ending one moment at a time.

ive been watching a fuck ton of fight club several times a day.
 


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Writer's Block: Into the night [Mar. 2nd, 2011|01:24 pm]
Atheist Angel
[Tags|]
[mood |awakeawake]

How would you describe your perfect evening in six words (e.g., I stayed home and ate pasta)?

Good Music. Good Company. Drinks. Food.
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(no subject) [Feb. 26th, 2011|07:29 pm]
Atheist Angel
....but i dont let her see.
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I am a dreamer. [Feb. 25th, 2011|03:02 pm]
Atheist Angel
[mood |peacefulpeaceful]

And im not afraid to be.

I read a quote thing on Tumblr, about how if the world were to end in 20 minutes and we all knew it, phone lines and such would be jammed up with people doing nothing but calling each other trying to tell each other, "I love you"

and its true.

Because in those last few moments of life, you put everything aside and you realize whats important.  And at that moment, nothing else is. 

Face it, if today was the last day the Earth was to spin in its rotation and WE ALL KNEW IT- chances are youd be telling everyone you ever loved but never told, every enemy you wished wasnt your enemy, every ex who you just wanted to call and say Hi, i still care about you but never could because their new piece makes it impossible, because they cant just accept that maybe youre over the fact that you dated....but that person is still someone you care for.  
sure, maybe youd also be out on a rampant killing spree like i plan to at the end of the world in 2012 but THAT ISNT THE POINT OF THIS POST.

My point is. . . .why do we have to wait until the world is ending?  John Lennon and Yoko Ono had it right.  Just calling people randomly to tell them they love them.  all you need is love.  Its true.  And im not a hippie and i dont come from the 1960's.  Im a kid born of the 90's. a mish mosh of a decade with no real movement, no real unifiying factor.  That grew up just in time to go to college and have war declared my freshman year.  Only to graduate into a depression era like economy that had no place for me, my degree, or my broke ass.  

And still, I dare to dream.

Yes, I say dare. because you know what?  Being a dreamer isnt fucking easy.  Full of ideals and beliefs in the power of raw human emotion.  That I, and anyone else, can do absolutely anything.  A belief that the power of love truly can conquer all.  Its not fucking easy when the whole world tells you you need to be making money. you need to have a good job. you need to do something practical. you need to focus on getting married and having a house and life and a career.

I dont want any of that.
 
no i dont wanna be broke. no i dont want to waste my life but i dont think that i am.  I will spend every last moment of every second with every last ounce of breath in my lungs looking at every broken girl who hates themselves for no good reason
every boy who doesnt think hes good enough or worthy enough of being loved.
every single human being who is truly and genuinely pure of heart but theyve been beaten down so badly they dont think they are....they think theyre the shit people have put on them...

I will spend every second of my life placing each one of my own chewed up hands around their face and looking them dead in the eye, staring straight into their soul and tell them "you are good enough. you are worthy. you are beautiful.  there is breath in your lungs and a beat in your chest and at least one person in this world is willing to punch through all your armor until im bruised if it means you'll see what im talking about.  How do you think my hands got this way?"

If i can show one person in this world, if my poetry, if my words, can make one stranger. . . one broken person realize who they are and what they have....that they have the capacity to love and be loved in return...and i mean REAL love. not jealous possessive manipulative "love"
i mean the " i love you for exactly who you are flaws and all" type of love.  Yet again we come back to Corinthians and those right there, those are guidelines...because love truly is pure of heart.  it expects nothing. it wants for nothing.  it seeks to give. to show. to teach.  to make you smile when you cant.

I dare to be a dreamer because dreaming isnt easy.  Loving isnt easy.  accepting that you will be hurt as a result of giving so much love isnt easy.  To be patient one must be made to wait.  To keep no record of wrongs one must first BE wronged.  these are not conditions to love, but they are truths.  yet to attain them often means to accept vulnerability. it is to accept humanity. in one self and the rest of the world.

you and me are flesh and blood.  we falter. we make mistakes. we act out of anger. we hurt people. we hurt ourselves. we try to numb. we try to medicate.  we find comfort in drugs. we find comfort in food.  we detach.  we exploit. we use. we abuse. 
we are human.
frail in our bodies and fragile in our emotions. 

.....but....

from that frailty comes something astounding.  the power to overcome. the power to unite.  You ever see a movement of people? all doing something for one common goal.  fighting for their rights...peaceful movements of people all trying to make the world see them for who they are, not WHAT they are....thats beautiful.  that is an understanding of humanity at its core. 

I forgive you for being human.  It's time you forgive yourself.


Like i said. . . i dont understand why we all have to wait until the end of the world to tell the people we care about that we care about them.  Maybe youll say, "humans just take each other for granted.  we take tomorrows for granted" and its true we do....
but i dont like living that way.  i never have.  because we all know we could die tomorrow.. .. ..we all know it. we dont expect it, but we can all shake our heads in agreement that that fact does exist.  yet none of us live like it.  We say we should. we quote poets and actors that say shit like that....but we do nothing about it.

so the way i love....no matter who i love...will always be unconditional.  There are no terms, no conditions, no deal breakers on my love.  I understand somethings arent healthy, and those things are not what im talking about.

I love the people closest to me with a fierceness that is difficult to rival.  I cant explain it. Nor am i going to try to.  but sometimes, they have no idea how amazing they are and it breaks my heart.  but i wont leave, i wont give up....because my loyalty is just as fierce as my love.
im one of those people that is difficult to get rid of.

So the way i love, the way i dream, the way i see the world. . . .will be through the lens of a dreamer.  Through the eyes of wide eyed innocence in a world that does nothing but attempt to darken them and close them to narrow slits. 
I dont care if i never have a "real job"
I dont care if i struggle for a long time.
I dont care if people think im too passionate.
i Dont care if people penalize me for loving so profoundly.  (and they often do. I get left a lot because people think im too much to handle.  they feel like i have all these feelings that they can not return...and while being loved in return is awesome....Im sorry, i really just wanted to show you how beautiful you could be. . . thats all. I see people.  you know what i mean. i SEE. people.)

this is me. this is who i am. this is how i love.
i will not apologize for it.
i will not curb what i feel for this world and the people in it.
i will not stop believing in the power and beauty of pure human emotion.
i will not stop dreaming.
i will not stop loving.
i will not stop.

I will Change the world one person at a time if i have to.
 
and if i die suddenly, and my words have had any impact on this world i want them to be shared.


because the only tragedy.  .. the only waste of my life i can see. . .. is having not been heard.
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my words come quick with the brevity. [Feb. 24th, 2011|10:52 am]
Atheist Angel
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]

Hi kids.

Quick update since i need to be moving along and getting my day in order...or rather...ending it.  yea yea night shift living.

finally somehow found the motivation within myself to stop being a lazy fat ass and get back into the hxc working out routine.  we're gradually going back into it but honestly, all i need is 60 days and the will to be consistent.

thats always been the hardest part..consistency.  its like i get to that mid way point, and i fuckin look awesome...and then..i duno maybe im just petrified of success and then i stop.  un-do all my work..and start over.  cycle. repeat.  with weeks and months of laziness and guilt coupled with cycles of binging and purging. yea. i said it. deal with it. its been my entire life. where have you been?

then it gets nice out and im like..oh..shit..yea lets go... so im going. then again maybe this is part of the fuckin cycle too. i dont fuckin know. at this rate 60 solid days is mid april, just beyond my birthday.  Its still pre summer...soooo maybe i can get my shit in order.

i duno. im trying to hold myself accountable.  but then theres this little voice that goes "eh, fuck it"  and as little as it is...part of me is like...yea dude, lets take a nap. f this.

other than that . . .. at the moment my mind is eating itself with questions of fear and doubt. about everything i can possibly think of.

apparently....my doctor says i cycle through separation anxiety almost fuckin daily. FANTASTIC! (yea that was sarcasm)
so i guess this thought train is normal? for ...me at least?

i just worry. thats what i do.
i need reassurance constantly.
i need. i need i need. listen, no one wants to be friends with, hang out with, date, love, fuck, talk to--a grown up child.  and thats what i feel like a lot of the time because thats how fucked my emotional stability is sometimes.  all the maturity in the world to understand everyone else and none of the capacity to do it for myself.  fuckin blows.  and because i feel like that, and because i think other people think that about me, it makes me upset. cuz then im disappointing them. im pissing them off. im not right. im not good enough. im not..
im not.
im not.
this is just how the brain goes.

and if youve been following you should know these posts start out one way and ALWAYS end up someplace else.

i never know where these thoughts are going.  and neither do you.  but god damn its one hell of a ride, no?

i duno.

logic v. emotion.

for some its Want V. Need.
but for me the primary battle is logic versus emotion.  emotion being the huge muscle bound motherfucker who is big scary and has no idea how strong he is.   logic being the really smart little nerd boy that somehow got roped into a dare where he fights this motherfucker.
yea, when emotion stands in front of logic, he sort of blocks the other one out. and thus. . .pretty much might as well not even exist. its all consuming.
overwhelming.

its like walking around with every nerve ending you have raw and exposed.  even a butterfly landing on your shoulder is going to make you scream like youve been caught in a fire.

i duno.
i duno how to make it stop.

ugh. im fine. yet im not
i can operate and function and tell myself that im just over reacting and that i need to relax.  cuz we know our emotions go sky rocketing and chances are, they arent legit.  

doesnt mean i dont still feel them.

lame.

anyway....i got shit to do. peace.
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A wise man once said. . . . [Feb. 9th, 2011|04:08 pm]
Atheist Angel
Love is the emblem of eternity: it confounds all notion of time: effaces all memory of a beginning, all fear of an end.




-Germaine De Stael


The reason this quote struck me came in the last five words.  Up until that moment this was just another love quote passing thru my brain like all the rest of the mediocre quotes on love from those who only dream of it in little girl fantasies laced with white knights and lisa frank posters.  no, those last few little words resonated in my head like an ampi-theater when i first read them.

All fear of an end.
love effaces all fear of an end and erases all memory of a beginning.  And it hit me with that resounding- holy shit hes right.  And for one brief second you realize thats part of what happiness actually is.  Its losing the fear of an end and living for the present, forgetting the past....

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Jack Kerouac [Feb. 6th, 2011|09:02 am]
Atheist Angel
[mood |awakeawake]

Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules and they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify them, or vilify them. But the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.
-Kerouac
 
 

 
Thank you Mr. Kerouac for understanding me and validating my entire purpose and mission in life all in one shot.
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