I havent posted publicly to livejournal in a hot minute.
Ive been posting anything i write creatively to Tumblr along with quips that give some type of cryptic, if not full blown (and sometimes a little emotionally dramatic, heh) insight into what the hell is happening in my head.
I've had a phrase ringing out over and over again in my head- as my thoughts tend to do if i do not purge them in some way.
it stems from the nature of my being coupled with what i want versus what i have. for those of you who have no idea what the hell i just said let me break it down for you like this: The nature of my being is something i call being fiercely independent. what i want is connection. what i have is loose live wires.
no one tells me what to do, when to do it or how to feel about it. the more you tell me to do it, it is guaranteed im going to take six hours longer than i have to just because you happen to be looming over my shoulder waiting for me to do whatever it is you want me to do. Bad move. I do just about Everything by myself these days. In the last year or two i started going out into the world by myself more. As time has elapsed, i have found myself doing everything from normal alone stuff like errands and haircuts to movies, cruisin', beach going...fuckin just name anything you would normally bring a friend to engage in with you. . . .chances are i go out and do it alone.
not that i have a problem with this.
I enjoy my time. Thoroughly. I write, i reflect, i absorb the world around me without any one elses interruptions. On a vast majority of days, I am perfectly fucking content to do my own thing. No one tells me when and for how long, and I can move from town to town hanging out with whoever the fuck i want doing whatever the fuck i want because its just me i have to entertain and take home. so who cares? Lately, my thing has been to get in the car at any random point in the day and start driving with absolutely no destination in mind. Maybe if i need something it might have some bearing on my whereabouts, but most of the time i just pick a direction and start heading in it. As familiar roads and towns appear, I start texting those individuals that also happen to live in the same towns.
I guess you could say I go wandering in search of moments of serendipity.
And it works too. I drive around waiting for impulses to hit me- those moments of urgency in which i must obey. to do anything less than exactly what i feel right then and there is inexcusable. . and not even an option really. I just obey the impulses as they come. Synapse after rapid fire synapse.
this may also be why I am excruciatingly bored. All the Time.
no....i know why im bored all the time.
Just two weeks ago in a matter of two days having employed this methodology into my lifestyle i saw at least 8 different friends. Of them I had only made plans to hang out with two. The rest just sort of fell into place as a i adventured out.
Now, in addition to my own personal adventures I can't deny that yes, most mornings and evenings are an infinite stretch of time between the end of my shift and the afternoon sun in which me and james go wandering aimlessly throughout the streets and towns of monmouth county. sometimes we end up at the beach or he shows me old military weaponry and bases that are no longer in use that i had no idea even existed yet am fascinated by. I'm now friends with mad middletown heads because of him so Ive been meeting a plethora of new people too. Mostly boys. The Middletown boys as they shall be referred to as from here on out. but its new people and its awesome. We party on the regular, we have a shit ton of random and pointless fun, we work an overnight job and then come 7am its our happy hour. hey, if you get to go have a drink after you get off of work why cant i? just cuz i happen to get off work close to sunrise means nothing. i still put in 8 hours - this shit is my night time.
Ok great tangent explainer, what the Fuck is your point?
With all that being said- the phrase ive apparently latched on to this month (as i tend to latch on to key phrases in times of nervousness or distress) is more like a quote- listen. . i dont hate my life.
i dont hate myself. i feel like people think that i do. . . and i dont. i really dont. there is nothing i have personally done to myself or have done that has negatively affected the course of my life in such a way that I fucking despise me and my life and consequently want to die or some shit. because thats not how i roll.
in all actuality, I rather enjoy my life. I have a lot of fun. I know who I am and what I stand for. I know my integrity and loyalty are better than most can even hope to aspire to. whatever. what bothers me is a complete lack of anyone to share in that happiness with. maybe it is my own humanity creeping up on me, kicking the stubborn loner who likes to be out in front as the leader to slow down and hang out with the pack a little bit.
ive had to do a lot of reevaluating in recent weeks. i dont think its a project you ever finish working on. I have also decided that human beings are meant to be autonomous but only to a certain degree. Maybe this is already understood by society but - - - think about it, If i were able to sustain every single need my emotional mind and physical body conjured up myself. . .why the fuck would i ever go looking for another person? I think this needs to be taken into consideration more often. The way i interpret this information is as such:
I am fantastic at being by myself. 8 out of 10 times. . .i prefer it. I love to be left the fuck alone. If i fuck you and dont call you....stop blowing up my fucking phone. i dont wana be your friend. maybe your needs and my needs are different and you dont want anything substantial either but you still wana be friends...i will call you the next time im bored and need a favor. like...thats really it. either i know what i want black and white or i dove head first into making damn sure no one gets anywhere the fuck near me ever again. Call me a cunt or heavily guarded. . .maybe even a little bit of both. But i Assure you, It is with good reason. Either way - my point is. . .some things... I cant take care of completely on my own. clearly the physical-yea we knew that. but there are certain things, like show what i consider weakness (which is exactly why i cant show it) that i will never allow myself to do in front of myself or others. .. . i will not break. I need someone else to allow me to do so. thats just how i am. without that permission and safe haven of a trusted individual I will front strength or even anger and bitterness so long until I become one of those things. Needless to say, my mind has an easier time accepting a self inflicted Tin man like existence than the concept of crying.
yes. sometimes being this stubborn annoys the shit out of me too. its ok.
this also makes me wonder. . . .because i have been excruciatingly bored lately. no drink no drug no human being has been able to satiate the restlessness or fill the void.
and then i got to thinking about how i am.....and how i am with people. everything i do is based on what i feel. it is the nature of my beast. i forge connections with people on many levels and the ones who are on my level understand what that connection means. just the Term connection alone means so much.....these open avenues of communication between me and someone else manifest through a feeling of connectedness- a literal ebb and flow from one another back and forth of some kind. chemistry. when i can just get a sense of people. feel them. which then made me realize ive severed them all head first. im not sure if im restless because i need a change of scenery..if im bored all the time because im an emotional extremist junkie who is always looking for deeper meaning in every simple human interaction i have because im hard wired for heightened sensitivity thus i need to feel things on that level all the time to be entertained (legit, borderlines are bored ALL THE FUCKING TIME for a reason...like drugs) but i hadnt realized what i did. and am actively still doing. its strange how you do these things to protect yourself, have no idea youre doing them yet know exactly what youre doing (just maybe not the why) ....you feel perfectly fine. yet you know you still feel off. . . .
and sometimes. . . when you really are alone and no one is in the house....the hallways fall silent always remembering to turn up the audio track of your inner monologue before fading out completely.....and sometimes you get lost in the mirror and you start to wonder which piece of you has the floor and is currently staring back at you....and sometimes you dont realize it but youve dropped your guard....and sometimes you have no idea what to do with a version of you that might as well have been abandoned in a field in infancy with the anxiety vulnerability and distrust it presents.....and sometimes, they make you feel what youve been ignoring.
and sometimes.....you tell yourself to shut the fuck up and keep going anyway. we dont have the time, patience or energy to heal. just carry the wounded and lets go. that shit will close up on its own eventually but we do not have time to sit and mull and obsess over it. this will only lead to infected wounds.
I am a medic. . . but I have not been trained to heal myself. . . just others.