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I promised myself id stay off the grid. - A living history of thought [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Atheist Angel

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I promised myself id stay off the grid. [Mar. 15th, 2011|10:27 am]
Atheist Angel
 but this is keeping my hands busy. and right now. . idle hands arent good for me.

I only know how to do things like this publicly.  I force myself to call myself out on my own shit til its done to death. One part accountability, one part emotional purging.
Call it the Leo in me (it is my rising sign after all) and its ultimate need for complete attention and its penchant for drama all centered around little old me.
(Hi add Aries + Leo + Scorpio = Ang which translates into walking exposed nerve ending with a temper problem and need for control)
I also have this tendency to obsess. over everything. and every detail.  If only i could implement said obsessiveness into cleaning and organization.  Man, id be set.

couple that with my dumb ass borderline business. . .and well.  Here we are. No surprise.

I dont know where else to go or what to do.

Honestly. . im somewhere between perfectly fucking fine and finding the nearest flame thrower and setting the world on fire. . .. . in the bad way.

But my problem is i keep fluctuating between love and hate. fine and a wreck. Pal Ang and The Cynic. back and forth.  Im ok today. . .and tomorrow I'm breaking down.  This morning i hate you, and by this evening i'm taking it all back. 

Jesus fuck even im sick of me.

But this is what i do.  And i know it.  I push. and i push. and i push.  Til everyones exhausted. til no one wants to hear it anymore.  oh trust me. on some level, i know full well what the fuck im doing.  but i do it anyway.  to prove a point.  either to myself or to others- i cant really be sure, but there is some method to my madness.  Either im trying to prove myself right in the notion that everyone eventually Will leave me (but how im helping by pushing them away ill never know, people do have breaking points) or im testing people to make them prove they really care by trying to pull strings and teeth to find the secret evidence im looking for...that they have no idea they have...and thus they typically fail..because ive just set them up for it. .. god i love being borderline.
worst defense mechanisms ever.
its a disease characterized by a huge fear of abandonment and frantic efforts to avoid said abandonment...while pushing and testing people til theyve had enough and being your friend is no longer healthy.....
yay paradox!

Logic says, hey kid, youre fine. life goes on. it is what it is. was what it was. k. youve said all you could say. heard all you could hear.  gotten the details and come to a decent and logical conclusion. good times. hey, its sunny out lets go for a bike ride. i never wanna stop appreciating my life. life is good. im alive thats all i need.  let shit be, and go with the flow and keep your god damn mouth shut before you say something stupid and make things 100X worse.

Thats me about..mmmmm 3/4's of the time lately.  Its steadily increasing in its percentages.  or so we thought.

Emotion on the other hand is all....fuck you fuck the world and everyone in it. Lets just fight til our face isnt even recognizable anymore. im horrible im awful completely unlovable, never good enough, something is inherently wrong with you, go put a bullet in your fucking face cuz thats all youre guna amount to anyway.  you know why everybody leaves you? cuz no body can fucking handle you. no body can deal with you. and no body fucking wants to. shit, I dont even want to and im a voice in side your own god damn head. all youre ever guna be is a novel fucking concept that people really like to marvel at and talk about, draw inspiration from but much like the muse who gives everything away to inspire and beautify the world, so too are you destined to open everyones eyes to how amazing life can be and how truly amazing they are and how joyful it can be in its simplicity as well as the capacity for truly loving. . .yet you will keep none for yourself.

thats what emotion does.

and i do it to death.
like right now.
til everyone wants to fucking kill me.

but at the same time, i have this fucking splinter in my brain, thorn in my side type need to divulge every last thought in my head.  partly because its the only way ive ever been able to make the stream of thoughts stop, otherwise they legit play on repeat in my head like the root menu of a DVD you fell asleep watching.  I literally have to confront whatever it is thats pissing me off or upsetting me. . . speak every crazy thought i have til ive said it like 3 times....exhaust it completely, analyze it from every angle. process the shit out of it, backwards, forwards and in circles...And then maybe nap on it...dream about it....ponder some more.....find a Really good distraction....and go from there.

listen .. . if you think im annoying from your end...try being in my head for the last 20 years.

Sure, im sarcastic and something of an asshole about it right now..but thats because im in what the great DBT researcher dr. linehan has called wise mind or reason mind.  

So im posting this shit in my livejournal.  talking to myself. like always . . .because it seems the only productive conversations i can have....are with myself and all my individual components. Also mainly because im so stubborn that I will forcibly stay miserable and refute EVERYTHING when everyone around me is trying to cheer me up.
Yea, im that stubborn.
i'm also making people jump thru hoops to see if they'll get exhausted and give up on me.
I've been talking to a pretend livejournal audience for a decade.  Just because facebook was invented along the way and i can now cross post the link there so that ACTUAL people might read it. . . .well that was just convenient.  not intentional, but it sure makes me look a lot less crazy.

my point?  Do i ever have one?

not really.

but youre still here. so .. . you must have found something intriguing.

Theres always questions that no one can answer.  theres always the whys and the what ifs and the "but you said's"
Theres always that anger of betrayal...loss of love..shattering of trust.  which always fucks me over.  and i realized that last night.  I think what fucks me up the most is when i honest to god let myself trust people..in any situation, romantic or otherwise...when then they go ahead and do something else that they did not say they would do...ooorrr.  like when i confide in people who then turn around and tell the one person i begged them not to tell...yea shit like that...i think that fucks me up more than anything...cuz thats the hardest thing for me to do.  shit, love is easy kids. i can do that in spades. im fucking good at that.  Im awesome at being angry vengeful and spiteful too.  Im a fucking pro at making people hate me.  Im even better at pushing them away.
trusting? mmmm not so much.  forgiving those who have broken my trust? ooo thats a toughy.  i take people that their word yunno?  So if you said it - then you must mean it.  Black and white. Really thats all there is to it.  Why would you go ahead and tell me something....if youre just guna take it back later or change your mind? "but ang, people change their minds. people change. people try and dont always succeed. such is life" aahhh yes but in my head all things are absolute. one or the other. its either love. Or hate. life. Or death. friends. or enemies.  and if i cant have one i find ways to create the other.
I always hated that about people....girls especially..who would be like..oh no, its fine, i dont really wanna go. we dont have to do that. i dont care.  no no, nothing is wrong im fine.  "are you sure?" yes im fine. " i dont believe you"  Im fine!  .....ok.

listen, if you want it...Tell me. if you dont want it...tell me.  if you feel it, obey it. if you think it...say it.

But be mindful because I Will believe what flies out your mouth without question.
why else would you say it?


But Ang, we knew all this about you already.

and i have the emotional memory of a fucking goldfish.  Im not doing this for you. Its for me.  also why i partly need to divulge every secret in my head. .. because im obsessed with the notion of dropping dead and not having told people the truth.

i think thats one part general passion and another that has learned as a result of loss.  My friends have died. I did not see them as much as i wanted.  I did not talk to them when i had the chance.  I took them for granted. I took tomorrow for granted.  I thought I'd have all the time in the world to see them again. Hang out and make plans some other day.  Another day never fucking came.  Lesson learned.  I'm still human. i still take people for granted as well as time. . .but. . . if i think of someone, i let them know.  If i think theyre a good person...i tell them.  If i love them...i tell them.  You get the idea.  I dont see anything wrong with that. thats why biting my tongue is so incredibly difficult for me.  I just. . . cant.

Because...in those moments..its exactly what I wanted to say.  I know i dig myself into graves with my mouth.  It often has that consequence.  I say way too much, get too angry, act out. . . aaaaaaaaaaaaand fuck myself over. all the time.  at least twice a month.  and i never learn til im falling all over myself with apologies and please dont leave me's and the give me another chance's

I guess...this is my point. . . .

i'm ok. or at least as good as should be expected but honestly..im not all that bad.  sure, i get swept away in emotions and i do believe all that horrible stuff...but it never lasts.  no mood of mine ever lasts all that long.

i rode my bike the other day for a while...and i was just so fuckin happy.  i went to the beach and i wrote little messages in the sand to strangers, bits of inspiration left anonymously.  I stopped..i took pics of the world around me and breathed life in.  I appreciated the breath in my lungs..the beat in my chest. the physical prowess of my able-bodied self.  That I could be alone.  that I could go out and enjoy life. that I had a life to enjoy.  Its a lot more than the dead have.  I took my pain in stride and said do not hurt. Learn. I stopped....and to myself, aloud, i said...i never wana stop appreciating my life.  i laid on my back and stared at the clouds...no real purpose or thought. just...soaked it in.  and i was happy.

And i think...i needed to write all this to get me here.  Because like i said. .. its a process.  I write and write and write and write and purge all the mental clutter that is emotion-mind's sensitivity and self loathing and fear of rejection and abandonment and mistrust in the world...

til i get right back here.  and im ok. and im like..dude...youre fine.  shit sucks, but in your heart of hearts, you know better.  why are you getting so bent out of shape?  Cuz i need control. I think like a little kid when im upset. I literally become that emotion and see no way out of it. consumed. and i hate the metaphor but its the truth. its the reason my mind developed as it has.  because at some point...as a little kid...somehow i learned not to trust the world for it will hurt you. it will not pay attention to you. it will not care about you. you are worthless.
the first time i remember thinking that very thought i was 6.

but.....then i get back here..and i just say hey fuck it.  not a huge deal. look at this.  really look at it. think. really think about it. dont react. think.  be upset. be hurt. be mad. be pissed off that you put all the effort of trusting and loving n it didnt work out.  i know you feel like you got it spit back in your fucking face like some huge joke or lie. . . but you know thats not the case.  youre not a fucking victim. no body did this to you on purpose. there was no conspiracy.  there was no plot or scheme.  people fuck up. you forgive people for being human all the time...except when they hurt you.  then, you wana destroy them . . .in retaliation for hurting you. i hurt so bad....leme hurt you back. eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, kid.  because for some reason i think the person that caused the hurt can magically un do it. just come back and erase it. ...it doesnt work that way and we know it.  use your head. logic. reason. nothing is wrong with you. people dont leave you because you are inherently bad. You are not bad.  and i know emotion is just behind this thought in my head SCREAMING a rebuttal...but you need to stfu now.  youre not getting me anywhere. youre not bad. you have shit timing and a poor sense of self worth.  your efforts are genuine and dont go saying they are in vain because all of these things shape you. these things mold you. they make you. . .you.  and somewhere along the line, apparently people really fucking appreciate you.  
youre a fantastic friend. even when youre being a bitch, youre not really a bitch.  mostly youre just hurting and vindictive about it.  mostly you get violently angry to mask heart wrenching hurt.  way to go tough guy.
mostly youre fine.
and if were guna obsess with thought after thought in circles with the same shit. . . .try something good for a fucking change. 

like. . im tired of being stuck in a head that hates me.  Im tired of having to be split up into different factions of an emotional being. I'm tired of having to talk myself thru everything all the time.  I wish i could just be normal and process emotions like normal, healthy people and subsequently stop annoying everyone around me that has to hear me bitch.  I would love to reconcile these things and be whole for once. but i dont feel all that broken either.  sometimes i do.  i wanted to be safe in arms always because no body had ever been able to do that like that before. to be so reassuring. genuine. open and caring. i saw these qualities seeing me...i had never allowed myself to be so vulnerable......but..maybe thats what you need to focus on..not the other side...because there is a distinction here....do you see it? you dont know what it is you want because i dont think there is anything you want here.  because you already know better.  youre just trying really hard to get some sort of justice when it isnt even necessary.  you just dont know what to do with yourself.  you just. . . do not know how to let things be simple.  No really.. its that simple.  stop over complicating shit like always.  you already know the answers and youre fine. so stop. for the love of jesus tapping dancing christ, stop.  it really...is fine.
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