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Atheist Angel

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Supporting a Souljourn [Aug. 9th, 2013|01:03 pm]
Atheist Angel
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Hey everyone! Please help spread the love and be a part of something epic as i tour from city to city, state to state, sharing the joy of art and poetry with the community at large. Namaste!
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Supporting a Souljourn [Aug. 1st, 2013|12:28 am]
Atheist Angel
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and time goes by [Aug. 21st, 2012|08:35 pm]
Atheist Angel
[mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]

it always does.
this is for dominic.

despite the transparency of the internet and the assault of privacy in what is dubbed the land of the free, i decide to write.

its almost been a year and i tend to get lax.

but my most current thought happens to be that i think i understand the notion of allowing good things to enter your life.
because im notorious for doing the opposite.  we are all guilty at some point i suppose. or at least, a vast majority of those of us scrambling to define ourselves in this urban junge warfare rat race of a nation.  It started at tumblr strangely enough.  I follow blogs of things that are fun to look at . . .but lately, as i scroll through my dashboard i'm bored by what i see. its an endless stream of mindless things, all people that i willingly chose to follow. 

and then i started clicking to the pages that had showed interest in partciular posts of mine pertaining to light working, unity, spirit, peace, understanding etc etc. 

why the hell wouldnt i have surrounded myself with things like this before?  they appeal to me on a different level. a deeper, more intellectual level.  often these people are more mentally stiumlating- even when i dont particularly have interest in the media in front of me.  so i suppose its time to start letting things like that into my life.  opening my eyes enough to see other people out there and connect to them.  it has been my experience that strangers are considered scary and down right terrifying because we have been bombared with fear based media that has most of us convinced that other people are hostile and judgemental.  As a result, we often live our lives in accordance with a perceived standard of normalcy.  In doing so, we bend our persons to exemplify those qualities we believe are desirable.  Consequently, we then begin to visually segregate ourselves based on race, class sex, gender, religion; those who have say, designer clothes vs. those who are clearly in second hand material.  Now, I haven't even identified or personified these imaginary, clothes wearing people, however I feel as though you, the reader, probably have conjured up a few associations with these images.  In my mind, the non existant designer clothes wearing people are clean, own other nice things, live someplace nice - these people are "acceptable" and chances are, i'd be more prone to say hello to them even without knowing them previously.  As for our friends at the good will store?  Sad images of dirty cheeks and rag-tag clothes came to mind.  The type of people I donate to, the type of people I pass by on the streets.  The type of people I have been culturally conditioned to believe are somehow Beneath me simply because of their economic status.

Economic status.  What the fuck is that anyway?    Because monetary value suddenly started applying to the integrity of a human being.  and who the fuck made it so that impoverished peoples are considered less than human?  and who the fuck said it was ok to make people pay with their lives in order to obtain Basic life neccessities.  things we are all born needing.  who the fuck said it was ok to drain life from people to keep them chomping at the bit as they struggle to survive. 
and why the fuck are we all still Arbitrarily going with the flow of an obviouslly ass backward system?
i hate to break it to you kids, but the only reason the system keeps on chugging away is because we keep feeding it.  we have been so conditioned to be fearful of "but if i dont go to work, if i dont make money- all these bad frightening things will happen. let me just keep going to the place that makes me want to kill myself 40 hours a week and prevents me from exploring more personally satisfying and even community oriented activities for pieces of numbered paper that have actually been made in the same fashion of monopoly money. 

Why do we let these things into our lives?

We are all silently and willingly signing our own death warrants in a sense.

These illusory needs do nothing but destroy us.  convince us we are less than who we should be. that who we are is always just a few steps short of who we should be.
i read a quote once . . . .its not who you are. . . . its who you think you should be (that messes things up) 
I watched a group of ten year olds once comparing prices of their cell phones- that were purchased by their parents- these children blatantly compared costs and subsequently, without realizing it, gave each other value based on how expensive their phone was.                                                           No parent was present to teach modesty either.

Materialism drives me insane.  as does injustice.  It is an unnatural experience to rule, dominante, and opress.  However when it becomes profitable to do these things somehow, well then yes, i can see how corrupted individuals would lean toward such behaviors.

And while i cant become a Buddhist monk overnight, I can make the decision to be conscious.  I can seek to expand my own consciousness as a means of connected with the consciousness of others. Realize that we are all one.  that god is nothing more than an extension of my own consciousness with which i can do anything with.  that love is the ultimate vibration of consciousness that resonates in spades, having a profoundly positive impact on myself and most importantly, all those around me.

legit- what you think is what you get.
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for every season turn, turn [Sep. 29th, 2011|02:02 pm]
Atheist Angel
[mood |complacentcomplacent]
[music |air conditioner hum]

i keep telling myself to write. . . and i keep being stubborn as i wont even listen to myself, and sorting of maintaining a level of procrastination.

so this is my happy medium.  here i am trying to churn out bits and pieces of poetry, trying to be great trying to write things that are....good...because i have to be good

what's good?  this is the question i need to keep reminding myself of.  this is the question i need to be aware of.  The television is a massive distraction.  It needs to turn off so i can tune in.  My neck, it stretches.  It hurts while i purge my mind from this compromising position.  The choirs chime out but neigh, i shant take a time out from this writing exericise it improves the mind no matter how high its not a question of why its a matter of why not and i try not to take for granted the advantage i've been given yet its winter and there i go again sleeping in.

hibernation. to hibernate : :  Latin hībernātus  (past participle of hībernāre  tospend the winter)
Zoology to spend the winter in close quarters in adormant condition, as bears and certain other animals.Compare estivate.
to withdraw or be in seclusion; retire.
to winter in a place with a milder climate: Each winter findsus hibernating in Florida.

And the days of gray slowly faded in as the sun hid away. Its light much less now and clouds suspend like seconds frozen in the sky.  Rolling slowly over in sheets they banish me to mine.  I can't tell where one day ends and the other begins.  The time on the clock has little bearing.  I haven't heard the sound of my own heart beat for weeks.  I've spoke of restlessness yet sedation seems to have washed over not like the peaceful yearning of meditation but like the doped up melancholy of medication minus the relaxation. Maybe it's what I need. Retreating to quarters i've spent hours like money in the hands of opiate fiends-spending my life away dreaming for a better one.  sequestered my quest behind white washed walls ; i've been crazy ever since they turned blue. There's a sadness in their tiny heavy eyes; with tunnel vision squint.  You'll age yourself criss-crossing fine lines creased deep in darkened spirit.  but like crows come for souls frown lines careen detour construction signs miles away from my smile. The white noise of silence remains persistent. layer after layer of gray blanket continue to lay thick across the sky like knitted stitch.  I'll curl up underneath it and sleep just a little while longer.

There we go.  That counted for something.  It's my way of trying to figure out the shit i do.  maybe its over analytical to think about every little thing you do and why.  Sometimes i dont even pay enough attention to the things I do until everyone else knows about it except me...and i'm the one doing it.  Oh this show. . .I have charmed on the television so dom can sleep soundly because shes exhausted and this helps keep her asleep. It reminds me of shows like buffy and x files and all those magical sci fi like shows.  Fuckin smallville and shit.  I want to go somewhere. but i cant think of one good place to go. ok im making myself leave the house. I'm going to see james.

later kids.

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We call this part of our journey: Restlessness [Jun. 12th, 2011|07:31 am]
Atheist Angel
[mood |draineddrained]

As i live out the story that ultimately makes up the pages of my long documented history, I tend to give different periods in my life names...like chapters in a book.  Right now...we call this restlessness.  but its in a good way...

Wawa really is to thank for all of this in some way.  If it werent for my working at several different stores, I wouldnt have the crew i have now.  Its been years since ive had a group of friends i see just about every single day and go out on adventures with.
I cant even count back the days for you to tell you how long this has been going on but i have yet to waste a day.

I think thats the moral of this entire story.....I have a group of people that are mad chill to hang out with.  We go on adventures on the daily or at least hang out and fuck around.  

I dont know how to articulate just how much shit ive been doing in a few words....My tan is the stuff of jealousy...which i dont think has ever happened...i dropped at least 10-15 lbs so im gettin mah sexy on....work is work and we know how i am so yea,  ive been driving around in a jeep living by the notion of top down top off. . which means a jeep devoid of a roof and doors and a driver (me) devoid of anything but shorts and a bikini top. . . .on the N J turnpike...on the way to PA...which we randomly drove out to on monday afternoon.  Because we can.
We've been indulgent, no doubt. .. shit I've been pretty indulgent.   but....i wouldnt say its to excess. I wouldnt say im drowning in my indulgences.  In fact, im just....kickin back and saying fuck it and having the greatest time of my life in the process.

and then i realized...adventure was the best way to learn..its the truth.  having gone out on what i dub adventures on the daily for the past few weeks, especially this week....i cant even tell you how many different people i have met.  how many people i have hung out with. gotten lifted with. sped with.  driven around with. danced with. drank with. hooked up with. connected with. cuddled with.

so many people. . After living in this town for god knows how many years now. . i Finally started meeting the locals and making friends.  now. . .well...my WaWa overnight is the place to be.  I see fucking everyone.  

Romantically...ive sworn off feelings and stuck to emotionally devoid encounters and the attention coupled with the satiating of needs works out pretty well.  All i need is a good group of friends, people to flirt with, and a ton of shit to do to distract me.

But its true..this part of my life i call restlessness because i cant just sit in the house anymore. . . its not winter.  im not hibernating.  i feel bad for people that hang out with me in the winter.  i suck at life.  im tired all the time and i wana sleep thru entire weeks.  Summer comes and im waking myself up out of cat naps even if im exhausted because i refuse to burn daylight.  I crave the sun and the heat.  I have spent nights sleeping on sand simply because i can.  Out here...we are on vacation every day.   I really have turned into a full blown beach kid.

its fantastic.  Listen, i cant sit here and answer questions regarding my level of happiness because i dont know it.  All i know is, the universe really does seem to be unfolding as it should.  ive simply gone with the flow for days and days just doing whatever, going wherever it is the world decides to take me that day...and i cant even tell you...how amazing that simple notion can be.  from just shutting up and saying yes to every possibility for adventure that has come my way.....i duno..i just feel so productive. not just productive...because sometimes my accomplishment is scoring but still, , ,like im headed in the right direction for once?

the days have been absolutely effortless.  things fall into place without anyone trying.  things are just naturally going our way.

its really hard to explain any of this. . . youre just guna have to join the party....its what we do...we go out..we find people..we bring them back and introduce them to everyone..we hang....we just keep adding people to the party.  branching out and connecting group to group..  Actual social networking.  its a beautiful thing. 

im sure i can think of more to write...but im beat from work....and i have a cuddle date. so ima go get on that.  just had to document my adventures right quick.
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Serendipity [May. 26th, 2011|08:54 am]
Atheist Angel
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]

I havent posted publicly to livejournal in a hot minute. 

Ive been posting anything i write creatively to Tumblr along with quips that give some type of cryptic, if not full blown (and sometimes a little emotionally dramatic, heh) insight into what the hell is happening in my head.

I've had a phrase ringing out over and over again in my head- as my thoughts tend to do if i do not purge them in some way.

it stems from the nature of my being coupled with what i want versus what i have.  for those of you who have no idea what the hell i just said let me break it down for you like this:  The nature of my being is something i call being fiercely independent. what i want is connection.  what i have is loose live wires.
  no one tells me what to do, when to do it or how to feel about it.  the more you tell me to do it, it is guaranteed im going to take six hours longer than i have to just because you happen to be looming over my shoulder waiting for me to do whatever it is you want me to do.  Bad move.  I do just about Everything by myself these days.  In the last year or two i started going out into the world by myself more.  As time has elapsed, i have found myself doing everything from normal alone stuff like errands and haircuts to movies, cruisin', beach going...fuckin just name anything you would normally bring a friend to engage in with you. . . .chances are i go out and do it alone.

not that i have a problem with this.

I enjoy my time.  Thoroughly.  I write, i reflect, i absorb the world around me without any one elses interruptions.  On a vast majority of days, I am perfectly fucking content to do my own thing.  No one tells me when and for how long, and I can move from town to town hanging out with whoever the fuck i want doing whatever the fuck i want because its just me i have to entertain and take home. so who cares?  Lately, my thing has been to get in the car at any random point in the day and start driving with absolutely no destination in mind.  Maybe if i need something it might have some bearing on my whereabouts, but most of the time i just pick a direction and start heading in it.  As familiar roads and towns appear, I start texting those individuals that also happen to live in the same towns. 

I guess you could say I go wandering in search of moments of serendipity. 

And it works too.  I drive around waiting for impulses to hit me- those moments of urgency in which i must obey. to do anything less than exactly what i feel right then and there is inexcusable. . and not even an option really.  I just obey the impulses as they come.  Synapse after rapid fire synapse.  
this may also be why I am excruciatingly bored.  All the Time.
no....i know why im bored all the time.
Just two weeks ago in a matter of two days having employed this methodology into my lifestyle i saw at least 8 different friends.  Of them I had only made plans to hang out with two.  The rest just sort of fell into place as a i adventured out.

Now, in addition to my own personal adventures I can't deny that yes, most mornings and evenings are an infinite stretch of time between the end of my shift and the afternoon sun in which me and james go wandering aimlessly throughout the streets and towns of monmouth county.  sometimes we end up at the beach or he shows me old military weaponry and bases that are no longer in use that i had no idea even existed yet am fascinated by.   I'm now friends with mad middletown heads because of him so Ive been meeting a plethora of new people too.  Mostly boys.  The Middletown boys as they shall be referred to as from here on out.  but its new people and its awesome.  We party on the regular, we have a shit ton of random and pointless fun, we work an overnight job and then come 7am its our happy hour.  hey, if you get to go have a drink after you get off of work why cant i?  just cuz i happen to get off work close to sunrise means nothing.  i still put in 8 hours - this shit is my night time.

Ok great tangent explainer, what the Fuck is your point?

With all that being said- the phrase ive apparently latched on to this month (as i tend to latch on to key phrases in times of nervousness or distress) is more like a quote- listen. . i dont hate my life.
i dont hate myself.  i feel like people think that i do. . . and i dont.  i really dont.  there is nothing i have personally done to myself or have done that has negatively affected the course of my life in such a way that I fucking despise me and my life and consequently want to die or some shit.  because thats not how i roll. 

in all actuality, I rather enjoy my life.  I have a lot of fun.  I know who I am and what I stand for.  I know my integrity and loyalty are better than most can even hope to aspire to.  whatever.  what bothers me is a complete lack of anyone to share in that happiness with.  maybe it is my own humanity creeping up on me, kicking the stubborn loner who likes to be out in front as the leader to slow down and hang out with the pack a little bit.   
ive had to do a lot of reevaluating in recent weeks. i dont think its a project you ever finish working on.  I have also decided that human beings are meant to be autonomous but only to a certain degree.  Maybe this is already understood by society but - - - think about it, If i were able to sustain every single need my emotional mind and physical body conjured up myself. . .why the fuck would i ever go looking for another person?  I think this needs to be taken into consideration more often.  The way i interpret this information is as such:
I am fantastic at being by myself.  8 out of 10 times. . .i prefer it.  I love to be left the fuck alone.  If i fuck you and dont call you....stop blowing up my fucking phone.  i dont wana be your friend.  maybe your needs and my needs are different and you dont want anything substantial either but you still wana be friends...i will call you the next time im bored and need a favor. like...thats really it.  either i know what i want black and white or i dove head first into making damn sure no one gets anywhere the fuck near me ever again.  Call me a cunt or heavily guarded. . .maybe even a little bit of both.  But i Assure you,  It is with good reason.  Either way - my point is. . .some things... I cant take care of completely on my own.  clearly the physical-yea we knew that.  but there are certain things, like show what i consider weakness (which is exactly why i cant show it) that i will never allow myself to do in front of myself or others. .. . i will not break.  I need someone else to allow me to do so.  thats just how i am.  without that permission and safe haven of a trusted individual I will front strength or even anger and bitterness so long until I become one of those things.  Needless to say, my mind has an easier time accepting a self inflicted Tin man like existence than the concept of crying. 

yes.  sometimes being this stubborn annoys the shit out of me too.  its ok.

this also makes me wonder. . . .because i have been excruciatingly bored lately.  no drink no drug no human being has been able to satiate the restlessness or fill the void. 
and then i got to thinking about how i am.....and how i am with people.  everything i do is based on what i feel.  it is the nature of my beast.   i forge connections with people on many levels and the ones who are on my level understand what that connection means.  just the Term connection alone means so much.....these open avenues of communication between me and someone else manifest through a feeling of connectedness- a literal ebb and flow from one another back and forth of some kind.  chemistry.  when i can just get a sense of people.  feel them.   which then made me realize ive severed them all head first.  im not sure if im restless because i need a change of scenery..if im bored all the time because im an emotional extremist junkie who is always looking for deeper meaning in every simple human interaction i have because im hard wired for heightened sensitivity thus i need to feel things on that level all the time to be entertained (legit, borderlines are bored ALL THE FUCKING TIME for a reason...like drugs) but i hadnt realized what i did. and am actively still doing.  its strange how you do these things to protect yourself, have no idea youre doing them yet know exactly what youre doing (just maybe not the why) ....you feel perfectly fine. yet you know you still feel off. . . .

and sometimes. . . when you really are alone and no one is in the house....the hallways fall silent always remembering to turn up the audio track of your inner monologue before fading out completely.....and sometimes you get lost in the mirror and you start to wonder which piece of you has the floor and is currently staring back at you....and sometimes you dont realize it but youve dropped your guard....and sometimes you have no idea what to do with a version of you that might as well have been abandoned in a field in infancy with the anxiety vulnerability and distrust it presents.....and sometimes, they make you feel what youve been ignoring.

and sometimes.....you tell yourself to shut the fuck up and keep going anyway.  we dont have the time, patience or energy to heal.  just carry the wounded and lets go.  that shit will close up on its own eventually but we do not have time to sit and mull and obsess over it.  this will only lead to infected wounds. 

I am a medic. . . but I have not been trained to heal myself. . . just others.
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discontentment [Apr. 1st, 2011|12:18 am]
Atheist Angel
[mood |discontentdiscontent]

I competed in the slam tonight, I took 3rd. I'm late for work because of it and I dont care, I called ahead. I coulda been there already. Im doing this instead.

Just before i take the stage, no matter how many times ive performed. . .my heart beats in my chest, my palms sweat. .. i roll up my sleeves and try to get more comfortable. Im filled with a nervous energy. . .a sense of being alive i dont often feel anymore....the only times I can say ive truly felt alive in the last six months were

1. being inlove

2. being in the middle of a mosh pit, pushing like minded minds and bodies around me... singing so loud my throat reverberated with soreness, being lost in the music.

3. Being on stage. reciting my life's story. Going to poetry slams. Reading. Learning.

Im going to go to work now. I'm going to go do mundane things that bring me no joy nor happiness. I do not love wawa. I do not love working there. Im simply good at it. Its a decent job. It pays the bills and i enjoy the atmosphere and the familial feeling the company has. Its not a bad job by any means....

but i am not detailed oriented. I am not organized. I do not exercise time management. . .and when my boss tells me he's about to "blow his top" because i forgot to wipe the coffee from underneath the thermals, because i was off my game one night (god forbid i have a bad day and get lost in my head). . . .it does take my head out of the game. and i stop caring.

and right now? I dont give a fuck. If i didnt have a fucking lease. If i didnt have a fucking house to pay for. . . I would get in the car and make my living off poetry. I dont care how. I just would. because that makes me happy.
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Maybe I am different.... [Mar. 31st, 2011|03:31 am]
Atheist Angel
[mood |curiouscurious]

Maybe I am different. . .

I narrate my life in my head like a book.  Like a poem.  Always.

It is rare a day goes by that i dont write something.   That i dont come up with a line or a concept. an idea. a simile, a metaphor...

Ive read and digested so many books and poems in my lifetime. ... . .theyve nourished me and i have grown from them.  They have sustained me.  Made me.

I write because I cant stop.  It isnt a choice.  It isnt something i make myself do.  

Every now and again, i think people believe I am legitimately insane.
but then i rest assured that even if i am, thats ok.  the greatest have always been the maddest.  From Dali to Lady Gaga. . . .we're all mad here.

The ideas come to me and i have a small window of time to do my brain a favor and jot them down before theyve been replaced by the next onslaught.

So when people ask me. . .how long have you been writing. . ..or....you write every day?  I dont have the discipline....
I get very confused.  Because. . . .this is all i have ever known.  I do not need discipline to write.  The pieces will finish themselves because they will know when they need to be written.  They will know when they are finished.  They will tell me. 

I get confused because I cant understand a mind that doesnt write every second its pulsing with energy.  To me, being a writer has always meant literally being the words.  Thats all i have ever been.  I didnt know any other type of life existed for a writer. . .

maybe i am different.   i keep company with great writers and poets.  brilliant in their work and the expression of their lives.  their experiences. perceptions. 
and they are amazing. yet im starting to see. . . .they dont think like me.  Perhaps thats what makes my style unique. . .no worse or better..just me...but i also wonder. .. . is this the difference i need to set me apart?  so that my star may rise?

Mark these words.  You'll be reading them later.
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(no subject) [Mar. 29th, 2011|02:05 am]
Atheist Angel
That i think America has raised an extremely distrustful and vulnerable youth.  Adolescence was never easy, for any generation,  but i dont know if it was ever quite like this.  This broken.  Not jaded, no.  An entire horde of young teens all desperate for some sort of thing to trust.  They cant trust their god, their country, or their parents.  Everything will eventually end in divorce and desertion.  Fuck man.  I read shit these kids post up on the internet, like no one whos real will ever see it. . .talking bout how much they hurt.  sadness. self hatred.  to the point of destruction. 

ok, so maybe i was like that a little bit at 15...thru..20...  but whatever im way beyond that now

the whole heart-ed ones. . . they are bold. they are the embodiment of strength.  that herculean effort kids show to one another when they first start to learn what friendship is. what an emotional connection is.  love, on a purely instinctual level.  The ones who stand tall, chins up. . . these kids are the ones who dont take shit.  These are the kids that see beauty in the world.  These are the kids that have hope.  Always ready. Always willing.  Never giving up. 

even the tough kid whos secretly very nervous on the inside.

they count too.

At least my generation can remember a time when shit was ok.  when it was good.  Even a little simpler.  I duno anymore. . . .
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I promised myself id stay off the grid. [Mar. 15th, 2011|10:27 am]
Atheist Angel
 but this is keeping my hands busy. and right now. . idle hands arent good for me.

I only know how to do things like this publicly.  I force myself to call myself out on my own shit til its done to death. One part accountability, one part emotional purging.
Call it the Leo in me (it is my rising sign after all) and its ultimate need for complete attention and its penchant for drama all centered around little old me.
(Hi add Aries + Leo + Scorpio = Ang which translates into walking exposed nerve ending with a temper problem and need for control)
I also have this tendency to obsess. over everything. and every detail.  If only i could implement said obsessiveness into cleaning and organization.  Man, id be set.

couple that with my dumb ass borderline business. . .and well.  Here we are. No surprise.

I dont know where else to go or what to do.

Honestly. . im somewhere between perfectly fucking fine and finding the nearest flame thrower and setting the world on fire. . .. . in the bad way.

But my problem is i keep fluctuating between love and hate. fine and a wreck. Pal Ang and The Cynic. back and forth.  Im ok today. . .and tomorrow I'm breaking down.  This morning i hate you, and by this evening i'm taking it all back. 

Jesus fuck even im sick of me.

But this is what i do.  And i know it.  I push. and i push. and i push.  Til everyones exhausted. til no one wants to hear it anymore.  oh trust me. on some level, i know full well what the fuck im doing.  but i do it anyway.  to prove a point.  either to myself or to others- i cant really be sure, but there is some method to my madness.  Either im trying to prove myself right in the notion that everyone eventually Will leave me (but how im helping by pushing them away ill never know, people do have breaking points) or im testing people to make them prove they really care by trying to pull strings and teeth to find the secret evidence im looking for...that they have no idea they have...and thus they typically fail..because ive just set them up for it. .. god i love being borderline.
worst defense mechanisms ever.
its a disease characterized by a huge fear of abandonment and frantic efforts to avoid said abandonment...while pushing and testing people til theyve had enough and being your friend is no longer healthy.....
yay paradox!

Logic says, hey kid, youre fine. life goes on. it is what it is. was what it was. k. youve said all you could say. heard all you could hear.  gotten the details and come to a decent and logical conclusion. good times. hey, its sunny out lets go for a bike ride. i never wanna stop appreciating my life. life is good. im alive thats all i need.  let shit be, and go with the flow and keep your god damn mouth shut before you say something stupid and make things 100X worse.

Thats me about..mmmmm 3/4's of the time lately.  Its steadily increasing in its percentages.  or so we thought.

Emotion on the other hand is all....fuck you fuck the world and everyone in it. Lets just fight til our face isnt even recognizable anymore. im horrible im awful completely unlovable, never good enough, something is inherently wrong with you, go put a bullet in your fucking face cuz thats all youre guna amount to anyway.  you know why everybody leaves you? cuz no body can fucking handle you. no body can deal with you. and no body fucking wants to. shit, I dont even want to and im a voice in side your own god damn head. all youre ever guna be is a novel fucking concept that people really like to marvel at and talk about, draw inspiration from but much like the muse who gives everything away to inspire and beautify the world, so too are you destined to open everyones eyes to how amazing life can be and how truly amazing they are and how joyful it can be in its simplicity as well as the capacity for truly loving. . .yet you will keep none for yourself.

thats what emotion does.

and i do it to death.
like right now.
til everyone wants to fucking kill me.

but at the same time, i have this fucking splinter in my brain, thorn in my side type need to divulge every last thought in my head.  partly because its the only way ive ever been able to make the stream of thoughts stop, otherwise they legit play on repeat in my head like the root menu of a DVD you fell asleep watching.  I literally have to confront whatever it is thats pissing me off or upsetting me. . . speak every crazy thought i have til ive said it like 3 times....exhaust it completely, analyze it from every angle. process the shit out of it, backwards, forwards and in circles...And then maybe nap on it...dream about it....ponder some more.....find a Really good distraction....and go from there.

listen .. . if you think im annoying from your end...try being in my head for the last 20 years.

Sure, im sarcastic and something of an asshole about it right now..but thats because im in what the great DBT researcher dr. linehan has called wise mind or reason mind.  

So im posting this shit in my livejournal.  talking to myself. like always . . .because it seems the only productive conversations i can have....are with myself and all my individual components. Also mainly because im so stubborn that I will forcibly stay miserable and refute EVERYTHING when everyone around me is trying to cheer me up.
Yea, im that stubborn.
i'm also making people jump thru hoops to see if they'll get exhausted and give up on me.
I've been talking to a pretend livejournal audience for a decade.  Just because facebook was invented along the way and i can now cross post the link there so that ACTUAL people might read it. . . .well that was just convenient.  not intentional, but it sure makes me look a lot less crazy.

my point?  Do i ever have one?

not really.

but youre still here. so .. . you must have found something intriguing.

Theres always questions that no one can answer.  theres always the whys and the what ifs and the "but you said's"
Theres always that anger of betrayal...loss of love..shattering of trust.  which always fucks me over.  and i realized that last night.  I think what fucks me up the most is when i honest to god let myself trust people..in any situation, romantic or otherwise...when then they go ahead and do something else that they did not say they would do...ooorrr.  like when i confide in people who then turn around and tell the one person i begged them not to tell...yea shit like that...i think that fucks me up more than anything...cuz thats the hardest thing for me to do.  shit, love is easy kids. i can do that in spades. im fucking good at that.  Im awesome at being angry vengeful and spiteful too.  Im a fucking pro at making people hate me.  Im even better at pushing them away.
trusting? mmmm not so much.  forgiving those who have broken my trust? ooo thats a toughy.  i take people that their word yunno?  So if you said it - then you must mean it.  Black and white. Really thats all there is to it.  Why would you go ahead and tell me something....if youre just guna take it back later or change your mind? "but ang, people change their minds. people change. people try and dont always succeed. such is life" aahhh yes but in my head all things are absolute. one or the other. its either love. Or hate. life. Or death. friends. or enemies.  and if i cant have one i find ways to create the other.
I always hated that about people....girls especially..who would be like..oh no, its fine, i dont really wanna go. we dont have to do that. i dont care.  no no, nothing is wrong im fine.  "are you sure?" yes im fine. " i dont believe you"  Im fine!  .....ok.

listen, if you want it...Tell me. if you dont want it...tell me.  if you feel it, obey it. if you think it...say it.

But be mindful because I Will believe what flies out your mouth without question.
why else would you say it?

But Ang, we knew all this about you already.

and i have the emotional memory of a fucking goldfish.  Im not doing this for you. Its for me.  also why i partly need to divulge every secret in my head. .. because im obsessed with the notion of dropping dead and not having told people the truth.

i think thats one part general passion and another that has learned as a result of loss.  My friends have died. I did not see them as much as i wanted.  I did not talk to them when i had the chance.  I took them for granted. I took tomorrow for granted.  I thought I'd have all the time in the world to see them again. Hang out and make plans some other day.  Another day never fucking came.  Lesson learned.  I'm still human. i still take people for granted as well as time. . .but. . . if i think of someone, i let them know.  If i think theyre a good person...i tell them.  If i love them...i tell them.  You get the idea.  I dont see anything wrong with that. thats why biting my tongue is so incredibly difficult for me.  I just. . . cant.

Because...in those moments..its exactly what I wanted to say.  I know i dig myself into graves with my mouth.  It often has that consequence.  I say way too much, get too angry, act out. . . aaaaaaaaaaaaand fuck myself over. all the time.  at least twice a month.  and i never learn til im falling all over myself with apologies and please dont leave me's and the give me another chance's

I guess...this is my point. . . .

i'm ok. or at least as good as should be expected but honestly..im not all that bad.  sure, i get swept away in emotions and i do believe all that horrible stuff...but it never lasts.  no mood of mine ever lasts all that long.

i rode my bike the other day for a while...and i was just so fuckin happy.  i went to the beach and i wrote little messages in the sand to strangers, bits of inspiration left anonymously.  I stopped..i took pics of the world around me and breathed life in.  I appreciated the breath in my lungs..the beat in my chest. the physical prowess of my able-bodied self.  That I could be alone.  that I could go out and enjoy life. that I had a life to enjoy.  Its a lot more than the dead have.  I took my pain in stride and said do not hurt. Learn. I stopped....and to myself, aloud, i said...i never wana stop appreciating my life.  i laid on my back and stared at the clouds...no real purpose or thought. just...soaked it in.  and i was happy.

And i think...i needed to write all this to get me here.  Because like i said. .. its a process.  I write and write and write and write and purge all the mental clutter that is emotion-mind's sensitivity and self loathing and fear of rejection and abandonment and mistrust in the world...

til i get right back here.  and im ok. and im like..dude...youre fine.  shit sucks, but in your heart of hearts, you know better.  why are you getting so bent out of shape?  Cuz i need control. I think like a little kid when im upset. I literally become that emotion and see no way out of it. consumed. and i hate the metaphor but its the truth. its the reason my mind developed as it has.  because at some point...as a little kid...somehow i learned not to trust the world for it will hurt you. it will not pay attention to you. it will not care about you. you are worthless.
the first time i remember thinking that very thought i was 6.

but.....then i get back here..and i just say hey fuck it.  not a huge deal. look at this.  really look at it. think. really think about it. dont react. think.  be upset. be hurt. be mad. be pissed off that you put all the effort of trusting and loving n it didnt work out.  i know you feel like you got it spit back in your fucking face like some huge joke or lie. . . but you know thats not the case.  youre not a fucking victim. no body did this to you on purpose. there was no conspiracy.  there was no plot or scheme.  people fuck up. you forgive people for being human all the time...except when they hurt you.  then, you wana destroy them . . .in retaliation for hurting you. i hurt so bad....leme hurt you back. eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, kid.  because for some reason i think the person that caused the hurt can magically un do it. just come back and erase it. ...it doesnt work that way and we know it.  use your head. logic. reason. nothing is wrong with you. people dont leave you because you are inherently bad. You are not bad.  and i know emotion is just behind this thought in my head SCREAMING a rebuttal...but you need to stfu now.  youre not getting me anywhere. youre not bad. you have shit timing and a poor sense of self worth.  your efforts are genuine and dont go saying they are in vain because all of these things shape you. these things mold you. they make you. . .you.  and somewhere along the line, apparently people really fucking appreciate you.  
youre a fantastic friend. even when youre being a bitch, youre not really a bitch.  mostly youre just hurting and vindictive about it.  mostly you get violently angry to mask heart wrenching hurt.  way to go tough guy.
mostly youre fine.
and if were guna obsess with thought after thought in circles with the same shit. . . .try something good for a fucking change. 

like. . im tired of being stuck in a head that hates me.  Im tired of having to be split up into different factions of an emotional being. I'm tired of having to talk myself thru everything all the time.  I wish i could just be normal and process emotions like normal, healthy people and subsequently stop annoying everyone around me that has to hear me bitch.  I would love to reconcile these things and be whole for once. but i dont feel all that broken either.  sometimes i do.  i wanted to be safe in arms always because no body had ever been able to do that like that before. to be so reassuring. genuine. open and caring. i saw these qualities seeing me...i had never allowed myself to be so vulnerable......but..maybe thats what you need to focus on..not the other side...because there is a distinction here....do you see it? you dont know what it is you want because i dont think there is anything you want here.  because you already know better.  youre just trying really hard to get some sort of justice when it isnt even necessary.  you just dont know what to do with yourself.  you just. . . do not know how to let things be simple.  No really.. its that simple.  stop over complicating shit like always.  you already know the answers and youre fine. so stop. for the love of jesus tapping dancing christ, stop.  it really...is fine.
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